My Big Secret

I have been planning my next post for a few days and God just threw me a curve ball!  I had planned this really sweet post about how we aren’t born missionaries but, God stretches us over a lifetime etc.  I am sure it would be good but, instead I have to share something much more personal.  This is very hard.  Hmmm… let me set the stage:

As many of you know, my husband Jeremy and I (along with our three girls) have been called into full-time missionary work.  We share a little bit of our journey on the “Our Testimony” page if you need to catch up.  Things have begun to move very quickly over the last couple of months.  Leading us to the decision to go into the Family DTS Program in Kona, Hawaii on April 4th.  We made this decision exactly two months before we would have to leave.  This is an absolutely impossible task (for man) for many reasons.  We have three daughters that are two years old and younger, we have to unload all of our earthly possessions, and this will cost lots of money!  Now, let me make this clear, I am not sharing this to get money from anyone.  I sincerely want to share what is on my heart in hopes that it will encourage others to grow closer to The Lord.

Not only will this cost lots of money but, we have debt.  Specifically we have a car loan, a credit card, and a line of credit that we are trying to pay off.  The big secret is – it is all my fault.  I have had a new baby every eleven months since we were married and my way of dealing with postpartum was shopping.  I racked up our credit card and line of credit debts and we are paying the price now.  Tonight, I sat on the couch and wept to Jeremy that I didn’t deserve to go to this DTS program because I messed up the finances.  I just felt so ashamed for the way I did not depend on God in the past and instead went to spending to fill that void.  There was always a good reason like, I need clothes that will fit me at my post baby weight or I need some high heels to feel sexy again or that new haircut will make me look younger!  The truth is, if I looked at myself and saw a woman created in God’s image, I wouldn’t need any of that other stuff.

As I cried to my husband, “It’s all my fault, we can’t go to Kona!  No one will support someone with this debt”, I could hear The Lord respond “I will”.  My husband reminded me that God will honor our obedience and this is His plan for our family.  We sold our jewelry and are in the process of selling our other belongings to pay off all of our debt – but that doesn’t replace God’s forgiveness and redemption.  Even if everything doesn’t work out just how we have it planned (if you want to call it a plan) I found healing in knowing that Our God forgives us and shows grace!  I don’t deserve to have all of this paid off, I don’t deserve to go to this wonderful program, I DO deserve Hell.  Praise Him that He shows us perfect grace and forgives us our debts.

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