What am I doing?

Every morning I wake up at 6 o’clock to read my Bible and spend some time with the Lord.  Currently, I am re-reading Romans, I have this strange goal to write out the entire Bible before I die, and there is just something about writing out His words that feels more intimate for me.  Over the past six months, I went from surviving this season of no income to praying about the possibility of returning to Kona and finishing our DTS to selling our belongings and applying to the Family DTS for April 2017.  There has been a roller coaster of emotions along with the tsunami of tasks involved in caring for and moving a family of seven.  I typically wake up with all of this on my mind as I approach God’s word and try to pour out my heart to the Lord as quickly as possible before our mini-circus comes trampling down the stairs.  In my last post, I spoke about having faith no matter what the circumstances. Faith is something I am determined to see grow, but it is very uncomfortable at times.  Throughout the day, I am battling thoughts that do not come from my Father.

About 4 months ago, we went back to cloth diapers to save money so my hands smell like poop half the day from cleaning them.  There are mornings when the boys’ room smells of ammonia from having to wear cloth diapers all night since we can’t afford disposables.  The moment the scent hits my nose, I hear those voices in my head about how “good moms” wouldn’t let that happen.  Fortunately, my parents and in-laws will give us some disposables from time-to-time so we get a break from cloth “nappies” overnight.  Shortly after running out of disposable diapers, I ran out of feminine products.  I mean, my period came and I had nuthin.  So, I looked around my house, found some fabric and made cloth pads.  Once again, the voices returned… now I am some sort of hippy-freak- weirdo, almost-missionary woman.  Who does these things?  I have seen women who do cloth diapering and cloth pads for some really honorable reason like “environmental sustainability” but not because they have completely run out of money.  Our refrigerator, freezer, and pantry are filled with food donated from loving families that will last about a week and a half before we go to the local food pantry for supplies.  I am so grateful for God’s provision no matter how He chooses to provide.  The first time I had to accept food from other people, I felt so horrible.  What kind of mother can’t feed her own children?  Then there is the issue of taking our children into missions.  When we were called to be missionaries, I never anticipated the mixed response we would receive, even today, years later.  We’ve been called irrational, irresponsible, radical and rebellious to name a few.  All because we actually endeavor to do what God has asked of our family, not to mention, fulfill the great commission.  There has been a misconception that missionaries should only be old priests or nuns.  Missionaries should only be young single folks.  Missionaries should only wear skirts down to their ankles with hair down to their waists.  Missionaries should only be the husbands while the wives and children stay home.  Missionaries are only white people who have college degrees from special Bible schools.  Missionaries should have some special talent.  Missionaries need to be great public speakers. Missionaries should look tired and poor.

My Heavenly Father has had to take a firm hand in teaching me on these issues.  First of all, stop asking everyone else for permission to pursue the call He put on our family.  The Almighty God has called us; this wasn’t our grand idea to leave everyone and everything we love to serve the Lord in this way.  Who are we to disobey Him to make other people happy?  No one else’s happiness can take the place of the fear of the Lord.  Secondly, He revealed that I can’t pick and choose what I will receive from Him.  I mean, I can try but the result is that after I restrict the tap, nothing comes through after a while.  Have you ever had those friends who need help and won’t ask?  Even when you offer something, they refuse to take it.  It is so hard to love someone who won’t receive and I don’t want to be that way with my Daddy.

As we walk forward in our journey towards full-time missions, I feel my heart being pulled in different directions.  I know, without a doubt, that God created each of us, Jeremy, Sarah, Emilia, Victoria, Lillian, Leo and Robert, for the mission’s field.  We each have different gifts but our family calling is the same: “In the name of Jesus, we will go to the hungry, naked, homeless, crippled, blind, lepers, all those who feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for throughout the world, people that have become a burden; shunned by everyone and give them HOPE”.  For my part, God has gifted me to disciple people through abuse and shame, to care for those who can’t care for themselves, and to empower others to walk in the Spirit.  In this moment, I keep thinking about my own Dad who spent most of his life working in a career that wasn’t his “calling”.  My Dad might not put it that way but I watched him growing up and saw the shift in him when he changed careers.  Don’t get me wrong, my Dad always worked hard and never seemed like he regretted his earlier career choices.  However, when he stepped out in faith to pursue a new a career as a teacher (at 55 years old), I watched something come alive in him.  He was so inspiring as he worked multiple jobs while taking his education classes, all to pursue the calling God put on his life.  There is no doubt that God has supernaturally gifted my Dad as a teacher (it is such a treat when I can sneak over to his school and watch him in action).  There were many obstacles as my Dad pursued his new teaching career.  My dad had to push through all of this, knowing that he was doing what God asked.  I find myself doing a bit of my own pushing on this journey.  Every week that passes, my heart’s desire to chase this call grows stronger.  Each beat growing louder for the lost ones of this world.  The Lozier Family is called to be missionaries and our hunger will not be satisfied until we are walking out in our calling.  How do I explain this to everyone I love so much?  Am I leaving them for something better?  No!  We are leaving to do what has been asked of our family and will miss everyone desperately.  We will run with our loved ones, encouraging and discipling, until we board a plane for Kona.  We will take their love and support with us as we serve the Lord.  This won’t be easy but it WILL be right.  When God tells you to do something, DO IT.

UPDATE:  Jeremy has recovered from his bout of poison ivy, praise the Lord!  He starts a new job at the local supermarket on Monday morning and will continue to pick up side landscaping work.  I am taking some time to make cloth menstrual pads to sell and possibly make cloth diapers as well!  The Lord has asked us to clear out the house and we are doing that as quickly as possible.  We sent our applications to University of the Nations, Kona about a week ago and we are waiting to be accepted.  Once we hear that we are accepted, we need $1000 to hold our spot.  At this point, obviously, we don’t have that money yet but we have faith that God will provide where He has called us to go.  We are praying that a 6-9 month engineering contract will come available for Jeremy so we can pay off the rest of our debt ($8500) and for 100 friends to give us $20 of support per month to meet our monthly $2000/mo. goal.  There is also a list of items we will need for travel.  Additionally, we are looking for a nanny to go with us for the 6 month DTS, to include our outreach in the Philippines next summer.  All of this, we know God will provide in faith.  We have been blessed to be able to volunteer at church regularly.  We want to support the leadership at our church and serve in every area we can before we head to Kona.  It has been exciting to watch our spiritual family grow in the Lord.  The fact that we get to participate in other people’s lives is such a total privilege.  After trying some homeschooling and some public preschool last year, we have settled on a homeschooling program for Emilia.  We have been fortunate to have some families help with most of the cost of the program and we trust the Lord for the last bit we need.  Admittedly, I am pretty nervous about this venture! With 4 other young ones running around, it will take dependence on the leading of the Holy Spirit to homeschool well.  I know He will speak wisdom to my heart on how to tackle this challenge (with the help from some other amazing families).  Also, this is a key component in caring for our children as we travel!   Lastly, in the mix of all of the doubts and challenges mentioned above, I had such an amazing moment happen!  Our daughter Victoria has always been a mystery for me.  She is such a beautiful mix of qualities that I love so much however, as her mother, I have struggled to make that special connection with her.  Our personalities are so very different which makes me appreciate her so much but, I have felt at times that I failed to understand her the way God intended.  Over the last year, I have labored to do only as God has told me with that precious little girl.  Well, today she gave me the best gift!  She came up to me with her favorite plastic ring and placed it on my finger saying “You are the best mommy in the whole world”.  It is amazing what can happen when we simply obey God.



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