I remember those days when I thought life was a simple as getting a college degree, getting a good job and buying a house. In fact, I was thinking that a little over a year ago! I have been trying to complete a Nursing degree for over 10 years without success, some of this has been my failings and some of it just circumstances. I think my concern has always been my legitimacy in others’ eyes and a college degree would do that for me. After years of waiting for my kiddos to be out of diapers, I went back to school last Spring to finish my prerequisites for the Nursing program. I applied and registered for classes, had childcare lined up, and had a great but intense schedule. Then Jeremy was laid off and everything changed. He became the main caregiver for the children while I went to class but he still needed to find a job. By the end of the semester, I realized that this just wasn’t the time for me to go back to school and decided to wait a little longer. Soon after that, we applied to return to Kona and complete our DTS with YWAM. It would be 4 years since we began our DTS and felt it was good timing to finish what we started. A little background, the first time we went, it was a month and a half from the time we applied until the time we arrived in Kona. This time we submitted all but our kids’ medical evaluations by July for the following April. During this time, Jeremy was working two jobs (one of which was outside in 100 degree weather while covered in Poison Ivy) and I was working to get us medical coverage. This proved to be more than a challenge since two of our children were born in the same calendar year. The state system was super confused by that. So, we couldn’t afford insurance, couldn’t get state insurance and couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket for our medical evaluations to be completed. After months of trying everything, even faxing forms to our former pediatricians in Maine to have them faxed back half cut-off numerous times, we stopped and gave the DTS back to the Lord. We prayed that God would either open the door to Kona or close it and give Jeremy a job THAT WEEK. This was a Wednesday night, Jeremy only had one 5 hour-long interview the next day and he had the job on Friday. At that point, we knew we had to pull back our applications for the DTS in Kona and wait again. Even though God had given us a clear answer about Kona, it was very difficult to lay it down once again.
One of my friends, Kristin wrote about the seed of her family’s calling in her blog a few years back. I remember because I was asking the Lord if we would ever be ready for missions. Since our time in Kona, I realized how totally unequipped I am to minister to others. I fall short every moment of every day and it is only the Lord, only Him that fills me and makes me who I am now. So, back in 2015 while asking God “will this ever happen Lord? Are we fools for continuing to pursue this? Did we hear wrong?”, this blog post popped up (Rains of Change) Kristin describes this seed of “our calling” (that is what I am calling it) and how her family would dig it up and try to grow it, only to find out that it isn’t the right timing and have to put it back in the ground for a little while. I sat and cried and have carried that post in my heart every day since. I was looking around at everyone else, friends and family who had their careers and stability. They had houses that they owned and friends in neighborhoods where their kids would grow up together. It seemed so simple and what was wrong with us? Why did I feel this draw to apply for missions, again. And have my heart break over some people in some other land who I have never met, again. And deal with the idea of leaving everyone that I know and love, again. All I can say, is that it must be Him training us up for something different. For a long time, I was ashamed that our journey didn’t look like everyone else’s. Now, I am so glad that God takes us on our own special adventure with Him that looks NOTHING like anyone else! As for the pursuit of the calling God put on our family, we will keep knocking until a door opens. Our Father in Heaven sees our precious little hearts for Him and His creation. He knows we only want to draw nearer to Him and do His Will. I know He is pleased, even if we dig up that seed only to put it right back in the ground for a bit longer.
“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all. You laid You hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I swell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,” even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to YOu, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You. O that You would Slay the wicked, O God; depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. For they speak against You wickedly, and Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; they have become my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”
** NOTE: Since writing this post, another opportunity has come up for our family. A friend of ours came to us and suggested we apply for a different YWAM DTS in Wisconsin that begins in June. It is more cost effective for our family and the timing is better as well. We are sending in our applications for the DTS in the next two weeks. We ask that you would pray with our family that God would open this door completely if this is the direction we should go. Thanks!
If you are interested in reading more of Kristin’s writing check our her blog here.